Louisville Cardinals, but make it The Simpsons
Quotes from a great show, applied to a terrible season
Four wins and twenty seven losses ago, this Louisville season started with cautious optimism and the joy that comes from a fresh start. Everything proceeded to go sideways for 4 months, and now we’re so close to the offseason. The weather is probably pretty nice wherever you are. It feels right to just kind of say goodbye to this Cardinal season, and I wanted to do that by remembering the ups and downs (mostly downs, who am I kidding) through quotes from my favorite TV show, “The Simpsons”. If you enjoy the show, hopefully the quotes bring good memories from your favorite episodes. If you’re not familiar with the show, sit back and enjoy as I really stretch to apply quotes from an animated comedy to real-life basketball.
“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
Homer’s god-awful life lessons seem designed to pave the way for eventual failure, just like Louisville’s early non-conference schedule seemed designed to destroy any hope for the Cards to find their footing. A brutal Maui Invitational schedule followed by an ACC/Big Ten challenge game against Maryland and an ACC opener against Miam, all in the first month of the season, made it pretty clear that this was not exactly going to be an improvement over last season. Much of the fanbase was already ready to turn the page, but the players themselves never seemed to really quit on the season.
“I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.”
Bart Simpson is not known for making good choices, but he always seems to be honest about his shortcomings. This quote is dedicated to Louisville’s transition defense, which led to the absolutel abomination of a Pitt player missing a windmill dunk but having time to get his own rebound and make a three.
“My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”
Movie star Rainier Wolfcastle utters this legendary quote during the filming of Radioactive Man when a stunt goes awry. The stunt involves a river of acid, and Wolfcastle is given protective goggles which do not live up to their promise as Wolfcastle floats away in the acid. This quote is dedicated to Kenny Payne’s recruiting, which like the goggles was promised to be a real lifesaver but ended up letting everyone down this season. We’ll see if a second offseason brings a more impactful injection of talent.
“But Marge, what if we picked the wrong religion? Each week we'd just make God madder and madder.”
You’ve got to admit, Homer’s twisted logic can be quite artistic when he’s trying to find an excuse. With three straight one point losses to open the season, Louisville fans may have wondered what they had done to incur the wrath of their favorite deity.
“Bart, sweetie, this is an opportunity to you to turn things around…yet again. And I believe in you….yet again.”
This quote from Marge embodies a mother’s love for her rambunctious son. Louisville fans got a few brief glimpses of improvement during the season from their Cardinals, too. The 3 game stretch against Syracuse, Wake Forest, and Clemson where the Cards looked like they might be able to hang in the ACC, or the win over Georgia Tech followed up by a hard charging comeback and near miss against Florida State, or close losses to Miami and Virginia preceding a win over Clemson? None of them sustained.
“To alcohol….the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!”
Homer’s relationship with beer is one of the constants in the Simpsons, as it frequently gets him into trouble yet for some reason he stills returns to it every time. Cardinal fans were wondering during this season if Kenny Payne had the same odd dependence on Sydney Curry, who despite all his defensive issues and clear conditioning struggles maintained a prominent role throughout the season.
“Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”
Bart’s best friend, Milhouse, is a pretty serious dweeb. One of his lone moments of glory is when his flood pants, which look ridiculous, come in handy when the town is flooded and, in his words, “my feet are wet but my cuffs are bone dry!” This goes to El Ellis who, despite being the point guard for an insanely turnover-prone team, managed to have some moments of individual brilliance during the season including an ACC player of the week award.
“Homie, the fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It’s called football, right?”
Marge’s disastrous efforts at drafting a fantasy football team to Homer ended with some serious roster construction issues. Louisville ran into some of the same issues as they headed into the season with one real ballhandler and an unlimited amount of power forwards.
“Dr. Hibbert: You have twenty-four hours to live.
Homer: Twenty-four hours!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.”
The professionals in Springfield never seem to do their job in a way that gives you a lot of confidence, and in this case Homer pays the price. Prior to this season, Louisville’s coaching staff didn’t give JJ Traynor much of a shot to contribute, but this season he made the previous regime look a little silly by becoming a very useful piece. Now, if only he hadn’t spent 2 years of eligibility wasting away on the bench….
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skill. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”
This quote from Homer shows a breathtaking lack of self-awareness, and it goes out collectively to Louisville big men this season. The Cardinals had absolutely no interior defensive presence or defensive rebounding despite having enough height and bulk to do so.
“To start, press any key. Where’s the ANY key?”
Homer gets off to a pretty rough start when working from home due to his obesity. This quote goes out to Kamari Lands, who similarly got off to a rough start to his college career. He was 0-8 across his first 3 games and was shooting just 27% by December 31st, but he hit 40% of his threes after January 1st on over 2 attempts per game to show that he may develop some shotmaking after all.
“Jebediah Springfield even killed a bear with his bare hands, although revisionist historians now believe the bear probably killed him”
This is maybe my favorite quote in all of the Simpsons, mostly for its absurdity, and I’m dedicating this to Jae’lyn Withers. This season Withers successfully made the transition to being a real perimeter threat, completely reinventing the image of him as a post player (as a freshman) or a struggling perimeter player (as a sophomore). Withers hit 42% from three on over 3 attempts per game, completely changing everything we knew about him.
Thanks for sticking with me this season. I know it was tough to watch Louisville as a fan, and it’s been tough to say much about the team other than “it’s bad, hopefully it gets better, and if it does it probably will be with better players.”
In the coming week or so I’ll be writing some NCAA Tournament preview stuff, and will be announcing some of what I’ll be covering this offseason.
THRILLHO